30 Days of Truth Challenge

I was catching up on my blog-stalking and my friend Kayli, who's blog I love reading, had just started a series of blogs for what she called, "30 Days of Truth". As I read through her blog I found myself wondering what my responses would be to those questions and decided to give it a try.

Here's how it works, each day is listed accordingly and I post my response to the respectful inquiry for that day.

Day 1.)Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2.)Something you love about yourself.
Day 3.)Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4.)Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5.)Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6.)Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7.)Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8.)Someone who made your life heck, or treated you horrible.
Day 9.)Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10.)Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11.)Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12.)Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13.)A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14.)A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15.)Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16.)Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17.)A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18.)Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19.)What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20.)Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21.)(scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22.)Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23.)Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24.)Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25.)The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26.)Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27.)What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28.)What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29.)Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30.)A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Just a little qualifier or two...I do not mean to offend or upset anyone with these postings. I want to make it very clear that these are my beliefs and that's all that there is to them. You may feel differently, and that is just fine. I am not trying to push my beliefs onto anyone. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and their own beliefs. I'm trying to start a debate, I am just sharing myself with you one day at a time.

With that out of the way... here we GO!!

Day 1

Something you hate about yourself.

Well, in preparing for this, I started making a list in my head of possible choices. Wow, there are a lot of things about me that I don't like. Other than making me feel a little depressed, I realized the one thing that I hate the most about myself.

I compare myself to everyone.

Basically, if I've met you, spoken to you, looked at you; I've compared myself to you.

Now this may not seem like much, but throw in my competitive nature and we've got a recipe for disaster.

I have found myself being jealous of some of my best friends.

I set my expectations for myself so high and then tare myself down when I can't even come close.

There was a while, about a year, that I felt like I was doing pretty good. I had great friends, a great job, a nice little figure. I felt like I was meeting my goals and I had worked really hard to get to where I was at, but I still compared myself a little...

...and then I got married...

 ...and it was like I had to start all over again.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my two beautiful little girls.

What I had to start over was liking me for me...

...the problem was I didn't know who I was anymore.

I went from single to dating to engaged to married to pregnant in less than a year. I haven't had a chance to get my footing in any of the roles I've played.

Leaving me wishing that I had done things differently. Perhaps, slower.

Wishing I had had a chance to enjoy the moments that seem to have flown by too quickly.

I see other people enjoying their lives. Doing things that I wish I could be doing. Spending time with their husbands. Reaching accomplishments with their children, that I had hoped to be able to reach with my children by now.

I just feel like a failure at my life.

I've had to put myself in check a few times and remind myself that not everything is as it seems.

But, to me, it feels like I'm missing out on something.

I guess I've always felt that way. The middle child syndrome, the fear of being overlooked. I'm worried that if I'm not up to snuff, people will forget about me and then I'll be alone. It doesn't help that we're constantly moving and I have to find new friends.

We lived in Las Vegas for 2 years and I didn't have a single friend there that was not related to my husband.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a very out going person. I actually very shy by nature. What people see is years of practice. When I was about 13 or 14, I decided that if I wanted to be noticed that I had to put myself out there, at any cost. I forced myself to start talking. Saying what came to mind, even if it scared me to death to say it. I know that I have offended countless people doing this and I'm really sorry for that. Believe me, I think about my mistakes more often than I should.

And, all of this because I wanted to be one of the girls that the boys looked at. Funny that none of the boys started looking until I got to college.

I was 20 when I got my first kiss. But, that was definitely worth waiting for... Valentine's Day...standing under a street lamp...snow swirling around us...magical!
Too bad it wasn't with my hubby, that would have made it just that much better.

I still definitely have a lot to overcome with this, but hopefully this will help. You have to see the problem before you can fix it.

I do love my life. I wouldn't trade my husband or my two little girls with anyone. I just find myself looking over the fence way too often.